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You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and
wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
“My girlfriend’s dog died. So I got her an identical one. She was livid:
‘What I’m going to do with two dead dogs?
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did –
in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.’”
The typewriting machine, when
played with expression, is no more
annoying than the piano when played by a
sister or near relation
A man in love is incomplete until
he is married. Then he’s finished.
Cross country skiing is great
if you live in a small country.
A drink a day keeps
the shrink away.
Our ‘neoconservatives’ are neither new nor conservative,
but old as Babylon and evil as Hell.
Our culture runs on coffee and gasoline,
the first often tasting like the second.
The best ideas come as jokes.
Make your thinking as funny as possible.
There are three side effects of acid:
enhanced long-term memory, decreased short-term memory,
and I forget the third.
“There never was a child so lovely
but his mother was glad to get him asleep.”
“It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing,
but I couldn’t give it up because by then I was too famous.”
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today.
It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
“Life is a shipwreck but we must
not forget tossing in the lifeboats.”