Marriage Funny Jokes

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Marriage Funny Jokes

Woman to her husband while at it: “Please say dirty things to me!”
Man: “Bath, Kitchen, Living room…”

My son wanted to know what it’s like to be married.
I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

Me as best man:
I heard the best man’s speech should last as long as the groom lasts in bed.
Thank you very much for your attention. Enjoy the wedding.

My wife and I have been married for quite a few years and
my wife asked me recently to get some pills that would make sure I’d be up to some action in the bedroom again.
I brought home diet pills. Apparently very much not what she meant.

I think as marriages go, we’re doing absolutely awesome, I mean I get to sleep with my wife nearly every day!
Nearly on Monday
Nearly on Tuesday
Nearly on Wednesday
Nearly on Thursday
Nearly on Friday
Nearly on Saturday
Nearly on Sunday

A little boy looks at his mum at a wedding and says, “Mummy, why is the girl dressed all in white?”
His mum answers, “The girls is called a bride and she is in white because she’s very happy and this is the happiest day of her life.”
The boy nods and then says, “OK, and why is the boy all in black?”

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted.”
Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he walked to the door she yelled, “I hope you die a long, slow, painful death.”
He turned around and said, “So, you want me to stay?”

It was my wife’s birthday and she rang me to see what time I would be home.
“I can’t talk,” I said, “I’m driving.”
“Where are you?” she asked.
She wasn’t happy when I said, “The seventh tee.”

Q: What does marriage do?
A: It puts a ring on a woman’s finger and two under the man’s eyes.

Q: How do you transfer funds even faster than electronic banking?
A: By getting Married!

Q: Whats the difference between love and marriage?
A: Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener!

Q: What is the ideal marriage?
A: A marriage between a deaf man and a blind woman

Q: How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A: They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don’t work.

Q: What kind of institution is Marriage?
A: One where a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

Q: What does a boyfriend and mascara have in common?
A: They both run at the first sign of emotion.

Q: Whats the definition of a happy marriage?
A: One where the husband gives and the wife takes.

Q: Why do only 10 percent of ex-boyfriends make it to heaven?
A: Because if they all went, it would be called hell.

Q: How hard is it to lose a wife?
A: Nowadays it’s almost impossible!

Q: Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom
A: In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it’s curtains!

Q: Why did the polygamist cross the aisle?
A: To get to the other bride.

Mary and Dave got along pretty well.
But there was one thing that drove Mary absolutely crazy,
and that was no matter how many times she told Dave how important it was to her that he come on time for dinner, he never did.
It was after one such spat that he got down on his knees and said “Mary, I promise I am turning over a new leaf.
From now on I will be on time for dinner!” Well, the next day, promptly at 5 o’clock, Dave locked up his shop and headed out the door to his car. When suddenly out of nowhere a car pulled up next to his parked car and hit Dave. Dave was rushed to the hospital. Luckily they let him out after 3 hours and he walked in the door to his house at 8 o’clock. Mary was livid! “Wait I can explain” pleaded Dave, “I got run over by a car!”

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