funny Quotes

funny Quotes! Hi friends, I have collected some new funny Quotes. funny Quotes has been published. So check the latest funny Quotes and share it with your lovely friends. Read it and enjoy you can share it with your all lovely friends. Its give smile and happiness to everyone face. Laughter is the way to make smile on everyone’ s face. Laughter is the best medicine for our health. Be happy and keep laughing…
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“I”m trying to see things from your point of view, but I can’t stick my head that far up my a**.”

“I do not spew profanities. I enunciate them clearly, like a f**king lady.”

“Dear haters, I couldn’t help but notice that ‘awesome’ ends with ‘me’ and ‘ugly’ starts with ‘u’.”

funny Quotes

“I choked on a carrot this afternoon, and all I could think was ‘I bet a donut wouldn’t have done this to me.'”

“My great-grandma started giggling at a barbecue, and when I asked what’s funny, she said, “Everyone here is alive because I got laid.”

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream. Bill Murray”

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. Steven Wright

funny Quotes

I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin

“If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.”

“My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.”

“I don’t believe in reincarnation, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.

Never let your best friends get lonely, keep disturbing them.

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.

If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?

If you’re hotter than me, then that means I’m cooler than you.

My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry.

My goal this weekend is to move, just enough so people don’t think I’m dead.

Lazy people fact #2347827309018287. You were too lazy to read that number.

Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.

Papercut: A tree’s final moment of revenge.

Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it.

I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

Life always offers you a second chance. It’s called tomorrow.

My six pack is protected by a layer of fat.

When nothing is going right, go left.

If you have crazy friends you have everything you’ll ever need.

Silence is golden, unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious.

I’m not running away from hard work, I’m too lazy to run.

Don’t make me laugh, I’m trying to be mad at you.

If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.

Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they’ll start using it.

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.

A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have.

Some people are like clouds. When they go away, it’s a brighter day.

At night, I can’t fall asleep. In the morning, I can’t get up.

Seeing a spider in my room isn’t scary. It’s scary when it disappears.

If we shouldn’t eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?

They say ‘don’t try this at home’ so I’m coming over to your house to try it.

When you fall, I will be there to catch you with love. Sincerely, the floor.

I could agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.

I didn’t fall, I’m just spending some quality time with the floor.

Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you have got.

What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.

Why was six scared of seven? Because seven “ate” nine.

I only check my voicemail to get rid of the annoying little icon.

My windows aren’t dirty, my dog is painting.

No matter how bad it gets, I’m always rich when I go to the dollar store.

Today, I laughed until my abs started hurting, so I can skip the gym.

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