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English funny jokes

English funny jokes! Hi friends, I have collected some new English funny jokes. So check it and share it with your lovely friends. Be happy and keep smiling.

English funny jokes

English funny jokes,Hello friends,I collected some new english funny jokes so share it with your friends and enjoy….

Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.
Boy: What are the two things?
Girl: Your feet.

The doctor asks, “What do you mean?”
The man says, “When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee – OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.”
The doctor says, “I know what’s wrong with you – you’ve broken your finger!”

A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.

A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.”
The doctor asks, “What do you mean?”
The man says, “When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee – OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.”
The doctor says, “I know what’s wrong with you – you’ve broken your finger!”

Mother: “Did you enjoy your first day at school?”
Girl: “First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?”

Father: What did you do today to help your mother?
Son: I dried the dishes
Daughter: And I helped pick up the pieces.

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, “I have some good news and some bad news.”
The man says, “OK, give me the good news first.”
The doctor says, “The good news is, you have 24 hours to live.”
The man replies, “Oh no! If that’s the good news, then what’s the bad news?”
The doctor says, “The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday.”

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
The man replies, “And how would you do that?”
The woman says, “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?”
The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”
The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?”
The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.

A teacher asked a student to write 55.
Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
teacher: What are you waiting for?
student: I don’t know which side to write the other 5!

Once Santa went to Court
Judge :- Order..! Order..!
Santa :- “1 Pizza, 2 Dosa , 3 idaly and 1 Maza”
Judge :- “Shut-Up”
Santa :- “No..No….Thums Up Charged Ice Chilled..!”

HR Manager Asked Banta in an Interview.
“Can you spell a word that has more than 75 Letters in it?”
Banta confidently Replied: “Letter Box”

Once in a airoplane 5 Person Travelling-
Dhoni, Ambani, Rahul Gandhi, Narendra Modi and a little child.
Suddenly there was some defect in the plane.
There were four parachutes on there.Dhoni said: I am the world’s great batsman, I have to stay alive,
then he jumped with a parachute
Ambani said: I am in the rich people of India
I have to stay alive, then he jumped with a parachute.
Rahul Gandhi said: I am the most popular leader in this country
I have to stay alive. then he jumped with a parachute.
Narendra Modi speaks to the child: Son you are future of country go to the last parachute Take the jump.
Child Speech: But here are two parachutes, Rahul Gandhi jumped with school bag

Teacher: what do u call a person who cannot hear anything?
Santa: U can call him anything, because he cannot hear anything.

During a job interview :
Boss : What’s the highest level of education you obtained?
Candidate : PHD
Boss : Great! So that means you have a Doctor degree …
Candidate : Wellll, No… That means
Passed Highschool with Difficulties (P.H.D.)

2 Sardars in museum looking at Egyptian Mummy.
Sardar 1: Look So many bandages Pakka Accident Case.
Sardar 2: Ya Ya..Lorry number also written.BC.1760..

No visits…
no calls..
No sms’s…
No letters…
No Jokes
no missed calls..
I’m worried…
kya hua zoo walon nay dobara pakar
liya kya?

Difference between a beautiful night and a horror night.
Beautiful night is,
When you hug your teddy bear and sleep.
Horror night is,
When your teddy bear hugs you BACK.

Boss : We need someone for this Job, who is Responsible.
Santa : Sir, your search ends here, in my previous job,
whenever anything went wrong, they said I am Responsible…

Anna: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant’s milk and gained twenty pounds in a week.

Ben: That’s impossible. Whose baby?
Anna: An elephant’s.

HR Manager Asked Banta in an Interview.
“Can you spell a word that has more than 75 Letters in it?”
Banta confidently Replied: “Letter Box”

Once all the engineering professors were sitting in one plane.
Before the takeoff, one announcement came
“This plane is made by your students”
Then all the professors stood up, ran and went outside.
But the principal was sitting.
One guy came and asked, “are you not afraid”?
Then the principal replied
“I trust my students very well and I am sure the plane won’t even start”

English Teacher: “One cute and young girl is walking
on the road.” Change this into an punjabi exclamatory sentence.
Sardar student:- “Oye,pataka !”.

After a big accident, a man was crying : O God! I have lost my left hand?
Santa: Control yourself my friend. Don’t cry. See that man. He has lost
his head. Is he crying?

Bus conductor: Why are taking 2 tickets?
Santa : Because if I lose 1 that 2 ticket will save me.
Conductor: what if you lose both?
Santa : Listen, I am not a fool. I already have my Pass with me.!!!

Santa bought split AC.
He installed outdoor unit in room and indoor unit on Roof because he thought-
outdoor unit has Big Fan to provide much air to room.

Class Room is Like a Train
1st Two Benches r Reserved For VIP . .
Next Two Benches r General coach
Then
Last Two Benches r Vry Demanded.
:
:
Bcz Its SLEEPER COACH..!! They are always Reserved for Topper in Dreams Only.

While visiting Santa’s house, Banta noticed that he had replaced his usual TV with a smaller model.
Thinking that perhaps the larger set has broken down, Banta asked why the small one was there.
“Oh,” Santa replied, “I have decided to watch less Tv.”

Most people have 5 senses.
Some people have 6 senses.
But u r blessed with 7 senses.
An extra sense is NON SENS

You are many kilometres away frm me.
Bt still I’m watching ur every move thru
3 different channels
1.pogo
2.cartoon network
3.Animal Planet.

Your network tariff has changed!
Call charges are now calculated
according to brain size.
The smaller the cheaper!
Congrats You can make free calls!

Taste this jokes
Did u feel da taste of ginger?
No?
Sure?
Well…..
BANDAR KYA JAANE ADRAK KA SWAAD!!

Do u remember the day we travelled in a car?
I put my dog out of the window,
u put ur face out,
then people started shouting
‘TWINS TWINS’

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