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Actually Funny Jokes

Actually Funny Jokes!Hy friends, I have collected some new Actually Funny Jokes. So check it and share it with your lovely friends.

Here is more than 1000 actually funny jokes which will laugh and can share with your friends on any platforms. For example FB, share chat, mobile or WhatsApp etc.

actually funny jokes

Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

I’m so good at sleeping. I can do it with my eyes closed.

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.

Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.

I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming.

Whatdya call a frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.

What do you give to a sick lemon? Lemon aid!What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain? Hi Cliff

What do you call a monkey that loves Doritos? A chipmunk!

Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing!

Why are there gates around cemeteries? Because people are dying to get in!

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef!

Do you remember that joke I told you about my spine? It was about a weak back!

I just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

When’s the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie!

What do you call a dangerous sun shower? A rain of terror!

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’ve bagels!

What do you call a farm that makes bad jokes? Corny!

Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!

What streets to ghosts haunt? Dead ends!

What do you tell actors to break a leg? Because every play has a cast!

Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night… One was assaulted.

  1. A termite walks into a bar room and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
  2. “Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud.” “Yes sir, it’s fresh ground.”
  3. What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
  4. Why are proctologists so gloomy? They always have the end in sight.
  5. What do you call a sleepwalking nun? Roamin’ Catholic
  6. What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.
  7. What do you call spending the afternoon with a cranky rabbit? A bad hare day.
  8. What did the apple say to the orange? Nothing stupid, apples don’t talk.
  9. What do you do with a dog that has no legs? Take him out for a drag.
  10. Why can’t a chicken coop have more than 2 doors? Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.
  11. Famous last words of a mafia hitman: “Who put the violin in the violin case?”
  12. How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?
  13. What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? Robin, get in the car.
  14. What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung.
  15. Have you ever seen an elephant hiding behind a flower? That’s because he hides well.
  16. Where do kings keep their armies? In their sleevies.
  17. Why don’t anteaters get sick? Because they’re full of anty-bodies.
  18. What do you call a pop star who makes honey?Bee-yonce!
  19. What did the British cereal say?Cheerio!
  20. Why didn’t the guy mow his yard?Cause he only had 2 feet!
  21. Why did the chicken fall in the well?He couldn’t see that well.
  22. How do you catch a squirrel?You climb up a tree and act like a nut!
  23. Why was the stadium so cold?Because there were a lot of fans.
  24. How did Sir Cumference get so round?Too much pi!!
  25. What did the hat say to the tie?You hang here, I’ll go on a head!
  26. Wanna hear a long joke? JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKE
  27. Why can’t pirates finish the alphabet? because they got lost at C!
  28. What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.
  29. Why doesn’t Pacman use Twitter? He doesn’t like being followed.
  30. Why are frogs so happy?They eat whatever bugs them!
  31. what do you call an apple that falls on your head?a fruit punch
  32. 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren’t Happy.
  33. I had a fear of speed bumps, but I’m slowly getting over it.
  34. What do you call cheese that hasn’t been shredded yet? Ungrateful
  35. What is a rock group with four members that don’t sing?Mount Rushmore!
  36. Why was the girl staring at the carton of orange juice?
    It said concentrate.
  37. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!
  38. I cut my finger chopping cheese, but honestly I think I may have grater problems.
  39. Why do people carry umbrellas?Because umbrellas can’t walk.
  40. What do you call birds that stick together?Velcrows!
  41. Why did the baker stop making doughnuts?He got tired of the hole thing!
  42. What did the science teacher climb?A chemis-tree!
  43. My physics teacher told me that i have potentialso he threw me off the roof
  44. Why do shoemakers go to heaven? Because they have good soles.
  45. Why can’t you trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
  46. What did one plate say to the other?Lunch is on me.
  47. I’m a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
  48. What did one eye say to the other?Between you and me something smells.
  49. What did the skunk say when the wind changed?It all comes back to me now.
  50. What did the ground say to the dinosaur?You made a big impression on me!
  51. What do you measure snakes in?Inches because they have no feet!
  52. What do you call a watch on a belt?A waist of time!
  53. What tea do footballers drink?Penalty!
  54. What kinds of mistakes are common in a blood bank?
    Type-Os The Driving Dino

Q: What do you call a dinosaur that crashes his car?
A: Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.
The Shy Farts

Q: What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A: A private tutor.
The Virtues of Switzerland

Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
A: I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
The Actor

Q: Why do we tell actors to break a leg?
A: Because every play has a cast.
The Theater

Q: Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
A: He was just going through a stage.
The Bottom of the Sea

Q: What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A: A nervous wreck.
The Magic Dog

Q: What do you call a magic dog?
A: A Labracadabrador.
Like a Parrot

Q: What’s orange and sounds like a parrot.
A: A carrot.
Ghost Beverages

Q: What do ghosts like to drink the most?
A: Ghoul-ade!
Cold vampires

Q: What can you catch from a vampire in winter-time?
A: Frost-bite!
Tooth Time

Q: What time is it when you have to go to the dentist?
A: Tooth: hurty!

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